Posted By Dann
Even though reports that the H1N1 virus, commonly known as Swine Flu, had mutated and threatened a zombie outbreak which could 'restart the heart of it's [sic] victim for up to two hours after the initial demise' have been proven false, speculation on the real-life ramifications of an outbreak of zombies remains at the forefront of serious medical discussions.

Amendments to US President Barack Obama's healthcare act were discussed in New York, with public opinion divided on what course of action should be taken in the case of zombie holocaust. Meanwhile, students at the University of Oregon describe 'walking around like a zombie' after being infected with H1N1.

Locally, dust storms which blanketed New South Wales and Queensland last month are being investigated by scientists who suspect the dust may be radioactive. This could potentially lead to the rising of the dead, as was seen in Pennsylvania in 1967 after the explosion of a NASA probe showered radioactive material upon the Earth's surface.

A pair of zombies emerge from the dust at Sydney's Luna Park (Holly Marshall / livenudedann)

Luckily mathematical research has been conducted into the most efficient ways of dealing with such an outbreak. A team of mathematicians from the University of Ottawa have written a paper detailing the effectiveness of the various ways of combating a zombie outbreak. Professor Robert Smith? said that 'it is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble.'


 
Posted By Dann
Australian Family Association spokesman John Morrissey has described Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's observation of a religious holiday over the weekend as 'quite reprehensible.'

The Prime Minister has refused to apologise for the 'robust conversation,' which took place during a private meeting on International Talk Like A Pirate Day, a yearly tradition upheld by practicing Pastafarians.

Pastafarians celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day, with statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Joe Mabel.)

Mr. Rudd and his family are known to be quite religious, and are seen attending church services regularly. Mr. Rudd says that he tries to start each day with a reading from a prayer book.

Deputy Prime Minister Julia 'Gilla Monster' Gillard stood by Mr. Rudd, saying 'From time to time we might say the occasional robust word. I'm known to do that as much as anybody else.'

Mr and Mrs Rudd after a service at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (ABC News/Giulio Saggin and livenudedann.com)

Elaine Crowe from Parents Victoria initially agrees with Ms. Gillard's statements, saying 'we all say cross words from time to time,' but says that the Prime Minister should 'set an example, particularly for our kids.'


 
Posted By Dann
The latest in a spate of recent monster sightings has resulted in the death of an innocent monster at the hands of local teenagers.

The teenagers were frollicking by the side of a lake in Cerro Azul, Panama, when the creature emerged from a cave behind a waterfall. The creature, described by its attackers as similar in appearance to the character Gollum from the Lord Of The Rings films, 'sparked fear and confusion' when it shuffled over rocks 'as if to attack them.' The attackers, aged between 14 and 16, stoned the creature to death, before throwing its corpse into the lake. Disbelieving parents returned later to find the carcass washed up on the shore.

The Panama Monster's face (nineMSN.com)

Gollum, as seen in Lord Of The Rings

(United Artists)

The emergence of the creature has recalled the appearance of the Montauk Monster in New York a year ago, when the body of a mysterious creature was washed ashore, creating public spectacle, as shown in video re-enactments. This monster, deceased though it was, was treated with much more respect by locals who took the corpse away for burial.

The monsters are alike, however, in the series of explanations offered by sceptics. Some have claimed that both animals may be pit-bull terriers - a slimy one with clawed appendages in the case of the Panama Monster, and mostly hairless and with a beak in the case of the Montauk Monster. More recently, there have been more cases of Montauk Monsters washing up in the same area, prompting speculation that the monster may be the result of secret experimentations at the nearby Plum Island Animal Disease Center, where Hannibal Lector was once offered a room with a view in exchange for co-operation in the case of Buffalo Bill.

In local news, cryptozoologist Rex Gilroy claims to have discovered a dinosaur-like monster in the Hawkesbury River in New South Wales. Mr. Gilroy described the monster as around twelve metres long 'with a longish neck.' Meanwhile, earlier this month a 'yeti-like' creature was caught briefly on film, apparently stalking bikini-clad teenager Justyna Folger, who screamed when she spotted the creature. So far experts have yet to offer any advice on this outbreak of monsters.


 
Posted By Dann

The Herald Sun today published an image of Water Minister Tim Holding returning to parliament with the caption ‘Hero’s return.

Mr. Holding was reported missing on August 31 and spent two nights on icy Mount Feathertop, Victoria's second highest peak, before being rescued early on September 1.

Tim Holding (back row, centre) (Bicycle Victoria)

The Funk & Wagalls Dictionary definition of hero is 'One idealised for superior qualities or deeds of any kind,' 'the principal male character in a drama, fictional work, etc.,' 'a man of great notability... in classical mythology or legend...' and 'a sandwhich made with a loaf of bread cut lengthwise.' Mr. Holding does not seem to meet any of these criteria, some of which might be more aptly applied to his rescuers.

Mr. Holding's mother Caroline expressed gratitude and relief at her son's rescue, thanking rescue teams 'ever so much from the bottom of our hearts.'

Search and rescue teams may have been initially doubtful of the success of their mission, given the limited information they were provided in their final briefing prior to the search.

'The missing person... It's Tim Holding,' Sgt Vic Velthuls of Victoria Police Search And Rescue said to officers and volunteers. 'I think everyone knows who he is and his description, so we won't go into that."

Other media outlets had already published reflective statements about Mr. Holding prior to his rescue.


 
Posted By Dann

GQ Magazine last week reported that former US president George W. Bush cited ancient prophecy while recruiting military support from other countries for the invasion of Iraq.

George W. Bush (Sky News Ireland)

‘Gog and Magog are at work in the Middle East,’ Bush has been quoted as saying to then French president Jacques Chirac. ‘This confrontation is willed by God, who wants to use this conflict to erase his people’s enemies before a New Age begins.’

Gog and Magog (Royal Arcade, Melbourne)

Perhaps due to a language barrier between the two presidents, Bush’s comments were initially misunderstood by Chirac, who sent Bush’s comments for professional translation and interpretation by professor Thomas Römer, a specialist in the Old Testament. Professor Römer revealed the incident, for which he prepared a report on Gog and Magog, in Allez Savoir!, the University of Lausanne’s magazine. The discussion was later confirmed by Chirac in Jean-Clause Maurice’s biographical text Si vous le répétez, je démentirai... : Chirac, Sarkozy, Villepin.

President Chirac was unpopular in Australia during the 1990s.

President Bush’s claims seem unfounded, however, since at the time of the telephone call to Mr. Chirac, and for the duration of the war in Iraq, Gog and Magog have remained at watch over the Royal Arcade in Melbourne.


 

 

 
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