false, speculation on the real-life ramifications of an outbreak of zombies remains at the forefront of serious medical discussions.

Amendments to US President Barack Obama's healthcare act were discussed in New York, with public opinion divided on what course of action should be taken in the case of zombie holocaust. Meanwhile, students at the University of Oregon describe 'walking around like a zombie' after being infected with H1N1.

Locally, dust storms which blanketed New South Wales and Queensland last month are being investigated by scientists who suspect the dust may be radioactive. This could potentially lead to the rising of the dead, as was seen in Pennsylvania in 1967 after the explosion of a NASA probe showered radioactive material upon the Earth's surface.

A pair of zombies emerge from the dust at Sydney's Luna Park (Holly Marshall / livenudedann)

Luckily mathematical research has been conducted into the most efficient ways of dealing with such an outbreak. A team of mathematicians from the University of Ottawa have written a paper detailing the effectiveness of the various ways of combating a zombie outbreak. Professor Robert Smith? said that 'it is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble.']]> Fri, 02 Oct 2009 08:29:39 GMT spokesman John Morrissey has described Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's observation of a religious holiday over the weekend as 'quite reprehensible.'

The Prime Minister has refused to apologise for the 'robust conversation,' which took place during a private meeting on International Talk Like A Pirate Day, a yearly tradition upheld by practicing Pastafarians.

Pastafarians celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day, with statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (Joe Mabel.)

Mr. Rudd and his family are known to be quite religious, and are seen attending church services regularly. Mr. Rudd says that he tries to start each day with a reading from a prayer book.

Deputy Prime Minister Julia 'Gilla Monster' Gillard stood by Mr. Rudd, saying 'From time to time we might say the occasional robust word. I'm known to do that as much as anybody else.'

Mr and Mrs Rudd after a service at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (ABC News/Giulio Saggin and livenudedann.com)

Elaine Crowe from Parents Victoria initially agrees with Ms. Gillard's statements, saying 'we all say cross words from time to time,' but says that the Prime Minister should 'set an example, particularly for our kids.']]> Mon, 21 Sep 2009 04:41:48 GMT

The teenagers were frollicking by the side of a lake in Cerro Azul, Panama, when the creature emerged from a cave behind a waterfall. The creature, described by its attackers as similar in appearance to the character Gollum from the Lord Of The Rings films, 'sparked fear and confusion' when it shuffled over rocks 'as if to attack them.' The attackers, aged between 14 and 16, stoned the creature to death, before throwing its corpse into the lake. Disbelieving parents returned later to find the carcass washed up on the shore.

The Panama Monster's face (nineMSN.com)	Gollum, as seen in Lord Of The Rings (United Artists)

The emergence of the creature has recalled the appearance of the Montauk Monster in New York a year ago, when the body of a mysterious creature was washed ashore, creating public spectacle, as shown in video re-enactments. This monster, deceased though it was, was treated with much more respect by locals who took the corpse away for burial.

The monsters are alike, however, in the series of explanations offered by sceptics. Some have claimed that both animals may be pit-bull terriers - a slimy one with clawed appendages in the case of the Panama Monster, and mostly hairless and with a beak in the case of the Montauk Monster. More recently, there have been more cases of Montauk Monsters washing up in the same area, prompting speculation that the monster may be the result of secret experimentations at the nearby Plum Island Animal Disease Center, where Hannibal Lector was once offered a room with a view in exchange for co-operation in the case of Buffalo Bill.

In local news, cryptozoologist Rex Gilroy claims to have discovered a dinosaur-like monster in the Hawkesbury River in New South Wales. Mr. Gilroy described the monster as around twelve metres long 'with a longish neck.' Meanwhile, earlier this month a 'yeti-like' creature was caught briefly on film, apparently stalking bikini-clad teenager Justyna Folger, who screamed when she spotted the creature. So far experts have yet to offer any advice on this outbreak of monsters.]]> Sun, 20 Sep 2009 04:24:42 GMT The Herald Sun today published an image of Water Minister Tim Holding returning to parliament with the caption ‘Hero’s return.

Mr. Holding was reported missing on August 31 and spent two nights on icy Mount Feathertop, Victoria's second highest peak, before being rescued early on September 1.

Tim Holding (back row, centre) (Bicycle Victoria)

The Funk & Wagalls Dictionary definition of hero is 'One idealised for superior qualities or deeds of any kind,' 'the principal male character in a drama, fictional work, etc.,' 'a man of great notability... in classical mythology or legend...' and 'a sandwhich made with a loaf of bread cut lengthwise.' Mr. Holding does not seem to meet any of these criteria, some of which might be more aptly applied to his rescuers.

Mr. Holding's mother Caroline expressed gratitude and relief at her son's rescue, thanking rescue teams 'ever so much from the bottom of our hearts.'

Search and rescue teams may have been initially doubtful of the success of their mission, given the limited information they were provided in their final briefing prior to the search.

'The missing person... It's Tim Holding,' Sgt Vic Velthuls of Victoria Police Search And Rescue said to officers and volunteers. 'I think everyone knows who he is and his description, so we won't go into that."

Other media outlets had already published reflective statements about Mr. Holding prior to his rescue.

]]> Fri, 04 Sep 2009 11:55:37 GMT

GQ Magazine last week reported that former US president George W. Bush cited ancient prophecy while recruiting military support from other countries for the invasion of Iraq.

George W. Bush (Sky News Ireland)

‘Gog and Magog are at work in the Middle East,’ Bush has been quoted as saying to then French president Jacques Chirac. ‘This confrontation is willed by God, who wants to use this conflict to erase his people’s enemies before a New Age begins.’

Gog and Magog (Royal Arcade, Melbourne)

Perhaps due to a language barrier between the two presidents, Bush’s comments were initially misunderstood by Chirac, who sent Bush’s comments for professional translation and interpretation by professor Thomas Römer, a specialist in the Old Testament. Professor Römer revealed the incident, for which he prepared a report on Gog and Magog, in Allez Savoir!, the University of Lausanne’s magazine. The discussion was later confirmed by Chirac in Jean-Clause Maurice’s biographical text Si vous le répétez, je démentirai... : Chirac, Sarkozy, Villepin.

President Chirac was unpopular in Australia during the 1990s.

President Bush’s claims seem unfounded, however, since at the time of the telephone call to Mr. Chirac, and for the duration of the war in Iraq, Gog and Magog have remained at watch over the Royal Arcade in Melbourne.

]]> Tue, 11 Aug 2009 11:12:23 GMT It has been a busy month at Channel 9, who had a clean sweep of the nominations for the LiveNudeDann Award For Hard News. After Carl Stefanovic’s news update on July 28’s episode of Today that Michael Jackson’s doctor was being investigated for manslaughter, co-host Lisa Wilkinson commented that it was ‘still unclear whether the manslaughter was deliberate or not.’ Meanwhile, on A Current Affair, it was implied that it is safer to ride one’s bicycle or to be seen in public wearing a genuine Snuggie, as opposed to a Blanket With Sleeves.

With such an array of nominees from Channel 9’s News And Current Affairs department, choosing a winner in the Hard News category was a lengthy process, particularly in a month when the Minichef debacle brought the tone of the programme down irrevocably.

However, the Award For Hard News was finally awarded today to A Current Affair’s twin set of vox-pop interviews featuring celebrity impersonators. The first of the stories was aired during Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’s visit to Melbourne. A man claiming to look like Tom Cruise was escorted through the streets of Melbourne, while the occasional innocent bystander was enthralled to meet a celebrity of the caliber of ACA reporter Martin King.

After the apparent failure of the segment, it was a surprise to see an almost identical story played this week, in which an impersonator portraying ex-psychologist Dr. Phil was taken into the Melbourne CBD to coincide with the real Phil McGraw’s Australian lecture tour. The offensive impersonation was perhaps more successful than the previous effort, but King was still the major draw card for old women across the city.

Congratulations are extended to A Current Affair and their celebrity look-alikes for their success in this month’s LiveNudeDann Award For Hard News.

]]> Fri, 31 Jul 2009 10:41:48 GMT his death, Michael Jackson is still making headlines around the world. While Britain’s The Sun has responded to the King Of Pop’s death with its usual calibre of journalism, even Australian local papers have not been devoid of reportage.

Speculation over Jackson’s sexuality, the terms of his will, and discussion of CNN footage of what was speculated to be a ghost inside Jackson’s Neverland Ranch have been surprisingly more prevalent than claims by Australian former bodyguard to the star that Michael Jackson had been the target of predators.

Wayne Galley, who worked for Jackson and his family in 2003, told Leader Newspapers that ‘there were a lot of predators out there wanting to get a piece of him.’

Michael Jackson with Wayne Galley (Leader News)

Mr Galley says that although he learned to be streetwise on the mean streets of Reservoir, he was hired by Michael Jackson because he was good with children, and talks of escorting the family trick or treating in Las Vegas at Halloween.

A predator outside Neverland Ranch (20th Century Fox, terrastories.com)

Predators, also known as Yautja and Hish, are thought to have visited the Earth numerous times throughout history, being treated as gods by some cultures, such as the ancient Egyptians and Aztec civilisations, whose pyramids may be a tribute to the predators. They are known to use a unique form of camouflage technology when hunting.

Although not widely reported, the story of predators’ interest in Jackson could be backed up by reports of UFO activity around Neverland Ranch.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, one of only a few known to have defeated a predator, commented only on Michael Jackson’s career, saying ‘Michael was a pop phenomenon who never stopped pushing the envelope of creativity… Michael was a great entertainer and his popularity spanned generations and the globe.’

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (Yahoo! News)

Governor Schwarzenegger also promised to help the Jackson family with funeral and memorial plans, but is so far yet to comment upon the interest predators may have had in Michael Jackson.]]> Fri, 24 Jul 2009 06:24:53 GMT Today Tonight's Laura Sparkes commented on Tuesday's programme:

He says the situation in other states would be as worse, if not greater.

It was almost as impressive as the brief report from the mX in 2007 about CD sales.]]> Mon, 15 Jun 2009 01:59:35 GMT Quentin Bryce has previously been suspected of spending a lot of time Googling her own name, but this suspicion was all but confirmed with Ms. Bryce publicly performing a search while opening Google’s new Australian headquarters in Sydney.

Quentin Bryce signs Google plaque (PCWorld)

Quentin Bryce and Alan Noble search the internet (PCWorld)

Meanwhile, police in California have not identified a link between the Governor-General, the opening of Google Australia, and the death of one of Google’s early mentors, Stanford University professor Rajeev Motwani. Professor Motwani, who mentored Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin during the development of the search engine, was found dead in the swimming pool of his California home this week.]]> Thu, 11 Jun 2009 01:25:05 GMT Twittering Opposition Leader Malcolm Turnbull bragged that he spent several weeks during 1978 at Playboy magazine’s Chicago headquarters while negotiating the purchase of rights for an Australian edition of the magazine.

Malcolm Turnbull with radio's Camilla (B105)

Mr. Turnbull’s recollection of the visit lost credibility, however, when he admitted ‘I didn’t meet Hugh Hefner, I didn’t go to his house.’

‘I met his daughter, Cindy, who’s a very serious business executive, and a number of other business executives there,’ Mr. Turnbull clarified, though most people would just have called such executives ‘Bunnies.’

‘I’m afraid to say I haven’t had a Scores moment,’ said Mr Turnbull, conceding that his Playboy visit is unlikely to bring him the kind of praise given to Prime Minister Kevin Rudd when it was revealed that he visited the Scores Gentlemen’s Club during a visit to New York in 2003.

Players Lounge welcomes Mr Rudd (AAP)

News of Mr. Rudd’s strip club jaunt, revealed during his 2007 election campaign boosted his public support, and prompted invitations from local nightclubs. Mr. Turnbull’s Playboy tale is not expected to have a similar effect.

]]> Mon, 08 Jun 2009 12:09:51 GMT