Posted By Dann
Even though reports that the H1N1 virus, commonly known as Swine Flu, had mutated and threatened a zombie outbreak which could 'restart the heart of it's [sic] victim for up to two hours after the initial demise' have been proven false, speculation on the real-life ramifications of an outbreak of zombies remains at the forefront of serious medical discussions.

Amendments to US President Barack Obama's healthcare act were discussed in New York, with public opinion divided on what course of action should be taken in the case of zombie holocaust. Meanwhile, students at the University of Oregon describe 'walking around like a zombie' after being infected with H1N1.

Locally, dust storms which blanketed New South Wales and Queensland last month are being investigated by scientists who suspect the dust may be radioactive. This could potentially lead to the rising of the dead, as was seen in Pennsylvania in 1967 after the explosion of a NASA probe showered radioactive material upon the Earth's surface.

A pair of zombies emerge from the dust at Sydney's Luna Park (Holly Marshall / livenudedann)

Luckily mathematical research has been conducted into the most efficient ways of dealing with such an outbreak. A team of mathematicians from the University of Ottawa have written a paper detailing the effectiveness of the various ways of combating a zombie outbreak. Professor Robert Smith? said that 'it is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble.'


 
Posted By Dann
Barack Obama (formerly Baracké Ubama) was today sworn in as the forty-fourth President of the United States of America in a lavish ceremony which lasted for hours, visibly boring Obama’s daughters, Malia and Sasha. The ceremony included a drawn out concert featuring acts including 1995 Grammy Award winners U2, Sheryl Crow and Bruce Springsteen, as well as Beyoncé and will.I.am. After a campaign in which ballot papers bore the name ‘Barack Osama,’ and interview subjects on 60 Minutes declaring that ‘Barack Hussein Obama is not an American name,’ thousands turned out to celebrate the inauguration. Alan Freeman of North Carolina was so inspired by Barack’s impending presidency that he sported a likeness of Mr. Obama on the back of his skull (pictured below.) It is unclear whether the anomaly was naturally occurring or an intentional style.

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Alan Freeman (AAP)

Locally, followers of Obamerama were able to view the parade and ceremony on public screens throughout the country, and special attention was given to Michelle Obama after a local cosmetics company boasted that they were providing exclusive make-up tips for the first lady during the ceremony and ensuing ball. For the Obama daughters, more exciting than the tiring day of ceremony was the repeated promise of being awarded a puppy by their parents when they move into the White House. However, the publicised search of animal shelters has been delayed by Malia’s allergies to certain breeds of dog.

Hours after the parade and ceremony, doctored photographs and rumours were yet to emerge, in contrast to the string of such sensationalism surrounding Mr Obama’s political campaign. As such, LND.com can show this exclusively doctored image, showing Mr Obama and Vice-President Joe Biden walking the parade route.

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Barack Obama and Joe Biden (LND)

 

 

 
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